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Mailbag – Jan 2010

[ 0 ] January 7, 2010 | admin

Dear Devon,
How old were you when you first had evil inclinations?  I am twenty one and think that I might be evil but I’m not sure.

Sincerely, Brian

Dear Moron,
You don’t ‘think’ you’re evil, you either are evil or you aren’t (and are therefore beneath me/fodder).  I was evil in my father’s scrotum and if my tedious confinement in the womb taught me anything, it was that a swift and repeated kicking will usually get people’s attention.  You are destined for a (undoubtedly short) life as lower-rank evil or a hanger on, or even sacrificial fodder in some sort of perverse experiment.  With that thought in mind, I’ll be sure to keep your details on file.

Devon

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Dear Devon,
I think that you are vile!!  The atrocious way that you carry on is nothing short of abominable.  You should be imprisoned for life to protect society.

Sincerely, Brenda.

Dear Moron,
Thank you.  I aim to be vile.  I’m glad that my exploits have stirred up such a laughable reaction from a nobody such as yourself.  I hope I have given you an ulcer.  A painful one.

Devon

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Dear Devon,
You are a repulsive shitbag and I hope you rot in jail for all eternity.  Creatures like you are why our peaceful society is plummeting downhill.  And your hair looks naff.

Sincerely, Wanda.

Dear Bitch,
Consider yourself on my deathlist.  Say what you want about my evil machinations, but don’t EVER insult my hair.  The only thing plummeting downhill will be you in a burlap sack full of rocks, heading for the nearest lake.

Vengefully, Devon

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Dear Devon,
OMG!!!I love you!!!  I love you!  Will you marry me????!!!

All my love, Janice

My dearest darling Janice,
I can’t thank you enough for your less-than-eloquent but touching missive.  As for the gift of a headless doll, I was rather pleased,  Yes, someone with my chiselled good looks and refreshing outlook on life so often inspires declarations of love…indeed, soon, the whole world will bow down before me in adulation.

Alas though, my heart belongs to Renna.  She has made very clear that if I ever leave her, it will literally belong to her.  I’ve seen the wooden casket lined with velvet and believe her.  She has also made clear that if she ever sets eyes on you, the doll won’t be the only thing headless.

Regretfully, Devon.

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Category: Ask Devon

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