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Devon’s Evil Construction Scrapbook

[ 0 ] October 10, 2009 | admin

After some procrastination and much distraction by the devilishly sexy Renna, I have decided that my Devon’s Evil Construction Scrapbook (DECS for short), shall chart the progress (or lack thereof) of my new construction plans, in between the daily grind of life (and death – accidental of course). I may have to consider changing the name though…it is a little too reminiscent of a putrid TV presenter for my liking.

Anyway, to business…after coming into a rather tidy inheritance thanks to the (reluctant) passing of Grandmamma in a ‘toaster in hot-tub’ accident, I have decided to forgo present comforts and sink the whole lot into the construction of a suitably evil abode with which to tide Renna and me over until we can make our fortune and rule the world. (my portion of ruleage will be significantly larger, despite what she may think).

Accidents will happen...especially if you drop a toaster out of the first floor window

Ground layout

I have contracted an architect to draw up plans and selected a suitable plot.  While a large one was available outside town where no one can hear anyone scream, I thought best to stay close to the shops.  I can’t drive and evil chauffeurs are hard to come by.  Besides, I need a regular supply of cookies to fuel my evil grey cells.

Days later…
The plans have been drawn up and the plot prepared.  I was unwilling to wait until daylight hours, and though Grandmamma’s body was barely cold (hardly surprising really), I thought best to press on.

My architect has rendered an impression of several key elements of the house, namely the death pit accident pit and the observation passage.  Note the heavy door and the jaunty viewing window from which we can get a perfect view of the entire pit.  The pit is accessed via several removable ladders and due to the proximity of the office to this area, I can easily nip out and perform this simple task, leaving any undesirable stranded and ultimately, to perish.

Impression of my office to be and secret area

Plan of the accident pit area and surrounds

A more artistic impression of the pit area

Viewing window that I have ordered overlooking the pit

A pool house has also been commissioned, though not especially for exercise purposes.  The walls will be constructed to the very edge of the water, and the entrance left open with an interlocking board secreted in the shrubbery nearby.  When any undesirable or tedious visitor is splashing in the water like a lame seal, the board can easily be attached and secured, preventing their escape.  (My evil sources close to the Creatorix inform me that simply removing the pool ladder is not sufficient enough).

A stairway up to the upper level will hopefully lead from the back deck area, giving access to the splendid viewing platform above the pool for enjoying any amusing aquatic accident which may just happen to occur.  All this sounds delightful, but Renna spilt lube over the plans for it so I couldn’t glue them into DECS, stupid woman.  Will add some more as soon as progress is made, however.  For now, this is all I have…

Bad design...back to the drawing board (which I will pin the landscape artist's hand to if he produces this nonsense again)

Hmm, unhappy with this layout.  The columns are very much not me  and the screen of trees is not nearly dense enough to muffle any cries for help, despite the reinforced walls of the pool house.  Back to the drawing board here and a broken finger for the landscaper.  Surrounded by fools and a nyphomaniac.  The latter isn’t so bad though.  Have just been smacked round the head.  Feel evil tears welling up.

Category: Diaries

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